Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
